Chances are that if you have been watching your parents’ health decline for any number of reasons, you might be struggling with some situational depression. Our parents, who were once our caregivers and showed such strength and courage, have now been reduced to needing elder care in their Michigan home, where maybe you were raised. Or, even worse, you are watching them dwindle away in a nursing home from dementia or some other progressive and fatal disease. Either way, watching our heroes go down like this is depressing.
Thankfully, out of all the states in our country, Michigan has some of the best healthcare. However, some of us may not have the financial resources to afford the best we want to provide for our children and parents. Perhaps we’re stuck in the middle, unable to afford the best, but our incomes are too high for state-funded Medicaid or federally funded Medicare. Sadly, this is where much of our society currently sits – in limbo with its hands tied. That’s depressing, too.
Senior Guide shares the following suggestions if you are dealing with depression about aging parents, “Watching your parent’s health decline can bring on a rollercoaster of emotions. Knowing that these feelings are normal and anticipating these emotions can help you deal with them.
You may feel fear as you watch a strong, responsible parent become more dependent on others. You may feel sadness and grieve for the healthy, robust person they used to be. Further decline in health may bring additional feelings of loss.
You might feel angry and frustrated in your role as a caregiver. Elder care takes time out of your life, and you may feel impatience and anger about that. You may feel guilty about not being able to do more.
Instead of focusing on the decline, celebrate what your parent can still do. Plan events or outings together that are restful. Take your parent for a drive and let them talk about their life. Even trips together to the grocery store or quiet afternoons in the backyard can be celebrations of life. A common lament of adult children who have lost a parent is that they wish they knew more about their parents and their grandparents. Ask all of the questions you need to now – listen and learn,”.
I feel for my friends and family that they are going through this type of agonizing situation. My mom was only fifty-eight and my dad was sixty-five years old when they passed on, so mournfully, they did not get to reach an era of life where they declined as a result of the normal aging process. However, I did watch my mom’s health decline, but she wasn’t elderly.
How to overcome fear of death of loved ones
When my mom was initially diagnosed with type two diabetes, she had lost part of her vision because the disease had progressed to an advanced stage. From then on, it was one thing or another that was going wrong with her health – it was vision loss, neuropathy, out-of-control glucose levels, water retention, and end-stage kidney failure.
It was excruciating to watch my mom go down like this, especially because I was beginning to start a family – my sons were mere toddlers. What would I do without her? How could I go on if she were to die? I was in constant fear of losing my mom.
According to Psychology Today, “Facing this fear involves accepting that aging is a part of life we can’t control. You have to shift your mindset from denial to acceptance, allowing you to address your emotions honestly. This acknowledgement can be painful and liberating as it opens the doors to seeking support, educating ourselves, and finding practical ways to support our parents as they age,”.
Thankfully, I embraced some of these tactics. There were no words unsaid. No stories untold. We always said, “I love you” on the phone. Instead of avoiding my mom as she declined, I was given the courage to suit up and show up for her every day. Courage is the ability to do something that frightens us or to be able to summon the strength in the face of pain or grief.
Inevitably, though, my worst fears came true.
What are the long-term psychological effects of losing a parent?
Since my parents did not pass on because of the natural aging process, and died from diseases such as diabetes and cancer, I have had negative psychological effects from losing them at an earlier age than normal. Especially with my mom, as I never had a chance to say goodbye since she died of a sudden, massive heart attack.
Horrifically, one snowy winter December day in Michigan, my mom did not answer her phone as she usually did. Unfortunately, she suffered a heart attack alone, and I found her lying lifeless on the floor next to her bed.
We were very close as I was an only child, and my dad was not in my life until after she passed. I felt very alone, lost, baffled, and in shock.
To say this was one of the worst events in my life to date would be an understatement. She was my only parent, my son’s caregiver while I worked, the glue who kept our family and extended family together, the keeper of all the family’s history and genealogy, and, probably, one of the best, kindest, most generous persons one could ever meet or be privileged to have in their life. Yes, I miss her greatly.
Hospice Sacred Heart describes some of the psychological effects of losing a parent, “The death of a parent — the loss of a mother or the loss of a father — is one of the most emotional and universal human experiences. If a person doesn’t know what it’s like suffer such a loss, they most likely will one day. The passing of a parent is inevitable. But just because it is doesn’t make it any easier. The loss of a parent is grief-filled and traumatic, and it also informs and changes children biologically and psychologically. It’s a transformative thing.
‘In the best-case scenario, the death of a parent is anticipated and there’s time for families to prepare, say their goodbyes, and surround themselves with support,” says psychiatrist Dr. Nikole Benders-Hadi. ‘In cases where a death is unexpected, such as with an acute illness or traumatic accident, adult children may remain in the denial and anger phases of the loss for extended periods of time … [leading to] diagnosis of major depressive disorder or even PTSD, if trauma is involved.’
There’s no amount of data that can capture how distinctly painful and powerful this grief is,”.
The fact that I found my mom deceased, in such a traumatic way and suddenly, I not only suffered from intense grief but from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as well.
Depressed about aging parents
In conclusion, facing the decline of aging parents is emotionally challenging, but embracing acceptance, seeking support, and cherishing moments together can help navigate this difficult journey with courage and love.